Untitled.

I should be dreaming about *her* by now.
I should be able to remember my dreams about *her* by now.
I should be getting over *her* by now.
But there is so little in life to hold onto,
Why should I should I let hope of *her* go?

As if the ocean wasn't big enough,
Or the sky too black.
I find myself being enveloped by something that I can not control.
This downrush and upbeat of emotion is nothing new but is always unfamiliar.
Like a cousin you only see once every year.
The riptide is pulling me out into the ocean.
Gravity is letting me float out into the black.
There are simply so many questions.
So many thoughts.
Do I embrace the experience?
Do I fight and give into my instincts?
Who will I become in this new place?
Was I meant to be pulled out?
Was I meant to let go?
How far have I gotten from God to let myself leave the shore/ground?
Is it too late for me to swim/fall back to where I belong?
I know its my fault I am out here in the first place.
But is where she is, where He is at?
Or am I attaching my faith to an object of desire?
Not of lustful desire, but a heart felt yearning.
How young, is too young to love?
But how can I know love?
Those words in Corinthians do not translate into what I am feeling, or the lack thereof.
Why can my tongue not say what my heart is feeling?
Why can my head not know what my heart is aching over?
Why dear God can I not rise above these appendages strapped to my soul?
This flesh pulls me down.
My choices pull me down.
I pull myself down.
I am the soul offender and in this.
It is my fault.
I admit this openly.
That all my shortcomings are mine and mine alone.
I am ready to finally say that it is my heart that is culprit.
That I desired the objection in my life.
I desired the lust... I desired to hurt you...
But know that I speak in the past tense.
That with your strength I may find a new chance to forge my present and my future.
That You God, all things are possible.
Amen.

Fantastic News!

So I finally got around to getting in contact with MTV to suggest my
ideas for "Voice of a Generation" and they kind folks at MTV Thinks
replied in an extremely timely manner. Simply put, they said if I make
a few videos outlining my thoughts and ideas for the project, upload
them and email them the links they will consider promoting the material
through their site and if it works well enough, it may go further from
there.

In slightly less, successful news, TED has yet to
return my email I sent in nearly a week ago. In this state of inaction
I went ahead and called their main offices in NYC. I asked if they
offered any sort of student discount or financial aid support. The lady
was very kind in telling me no and that they did offer financial aid
for experts in specific fields and that they did have the TED Prize
winners. Neither of those really fit my conditions so I said thank you
and went my way.

But then later this evening spoke to a student
from my class who I decided to share my policies as the Junior Class
President with. Her first response was of shock mixed with hesitation.
Then she nearly became furious that I would institute a policy that was
for the most part singly aimed at opening up larger doors for Prom
possibilities. Apparently not every High School girl dreams of being
Prom Queen. So with some extensive explanations and a few thoughtful
considerations I retooled my "Benefits System" to include
extracurricular activities with parents notes and signatures and some
proof of said activity. And then with some more discussion we thought
of some more ways for the school to interest students in their futures
through having an Art Expo day the same day as the Art Fair. Have
artists and creative types from Photography, Film, Paintings, Graphic
Design, Musicians, Orchestras, Television, Fashion, and maybe even
Drafting and Design/Architecture fields come to speak to us briefly
about their lifestyles and careers and then have the rest of the day be
an Expo with the Art Fair open to the students and such. I mean, we
already have a Health Day, which is really for the most part a useless
day with no real purpose although the idea is good, so why not a day to
celebrate the Arts?

One thing is for certain this is going to be a big school year.

Supreme Computer God?!?!

I are teh winra! If any of you can beat my score I would be so impressed. No Google or any other search engine was used for this quiz and now would be a good time for you to bow before me.

<a href="http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_cg.php?im">
<img
src="http://www.nerdtests.com/images/ft/cg.php?val=0848" alt="My
computer geek score is greater than 100% of all people in the world!
How do you compare? Click here to find out!"> </a>

BTW: I did it for teh lulz.

To Be Without Time. A Look Into Existential Theory.

1:39 AM on Saturday the 16th of August 2008 I hit what I call Creative Hour. Essentially, if I deprive myself of an amount of sleep and just let myself simply drift across my thoughts as I do whatever it is I happen to be doing at that moment (tonight I was listening to instrumental/trance music while reading up on tech blogs) I hit this point where if I have a pen and paper and can just start to write and usually can reach a fairly logical conclusion to an internal discussion that is brought out by the pen by the end of my writing. Tonight's entry was fairly... perplexing. I reread it and found a good deal of truth and inspiration in it. Here is what I wrote.

I hit this wall and keep pushing through. Vibrating like the Flash. Making my way pass the impassable structure of a googleplex of atoms in a solid crystalline structure keeping me from what is beyond/within. As my individual atoms awaken to conscientiousness they find faults in the wall and leak through. I being to disappear. I begin to cease. Then, nearly as fast as it began, I cease to begin. In a moment long than an age of man, I scaled the highest peak of human accomplishment, only to find a consuming flame burning eternally bright at the top. This Earth-bound star beacons me forward along a path it has awaited for me to walk since it was, is, and will be. For here there is no time. Only distance. You simply are. The journy is merely a destination awaiting to be reached. As is all in this life, it would seem futile, except for the constant reminder that even in the stillness, we, humanity, individuals, atoms bound by chemical bonds, are always in motion. This is inescapable. And yet completely desirable. To simply be is what we already are. Time has no meaning but to define a moment of who you were, are or will be. But the past Were's are not Are's. As are Are's not Will Be's. And Will Be's are simply To Become's. But "all" are the same. The Are's are made of Were's. Will Be's are hinted at by Are's. And in the scheme of things, we exist. In one form or another. Were's, Are's, or Will Be's. This earth was made for Will Be's, is inhabited by Were's, and is owned by Are's. And when you simply Are, you know who you are. When you Were, you can not Are, and you can never Will Be. But the Will Be's were and are to come and will be Are's when eternity comes.

Abandonment

Strange title for this post. I am abandoning nothing I have not already
said I would leave behind. I never left behind anything that did not
deserve to be in my past except for any real sense of normality, or
perception... If I had to change one thing in my life, it would be
perception. I never every have been adept at this. Journalism. I fail
at this. It is very hard for me to just try to write or type some
emotional characteristic of my day without doing so in conversation. I
rarely talk directly to myself. I just contemplate possibilities. Vague
and more like a day dream than anything else in my existence, such
contemplations fill my day. I do think of the future to much, and the
future becoming present. It just does not fit with a God of a Universe.
God has no need for time. Only we do. It defines how we live our lives.
We never simply are, we are always complicatedly locked in struggles
for change. Evolution. I keep think how completely absurd that title
is...



I am appalled of late at my inability to properly type, speak, form
words, create ideas. Does this mean I am at a crossroads? What do I
sacrifice when I choose one road or another. Or is it more of a
branching tree of choices rather than a road. I do like tree
analogies... They inspire, growth. As corny as that may sound it seems
that organic analogies and references of Jesus' were very successful. I
enjoy them... But I ramble. I feel that perhaps by choosing one path I
am abandoning the other(s)? Perhaps it is not so much I am abandoning,
as I am just drifting away from. Not truly forsaking, just not
choosing. But does that mean I am indecisive? Could a solid yes or no
do better than a cross evaluation from all angles? Where does logic
fail, and quantum physics succeed? Or has logic never truly succeeded?
Perhaps logic was the only thing holding us back in the first place.
Who is to say that our world does have any bounds? Jesus could walk on
water after all, so could Peter, so long as he believed. Maybe the real
question I am asking myself is, do I really believe?