I Find It Harder.

Everyday that draws to a close,
With a ribbon on top that's tied in a bow.
I know its the present that matter's the most,
But right at this moment I'm the ungrateful host.

She's a gift from heaven above,
From a God full of wonder and love.
But this selfish child is bratty and cruel,
What type of person would throw out a jewel?

This corny poem is killing me,
I feel it stinging more than the bee.
But how many times does one's pride get hit,
How many times must he fall in the grit?

Does the man make the mistake?
In which the consequence he must partake.
Or is he his own failing,
For everytime he is caught bailing?

None of it matters to me,
I am not that poor man.
I know the girl that I love,
And I will one day hold her hand.

I swear to you now that his is truth.
I know what I want, please God make it true.
I need this blessing I need to be heard.
I need to feel loved by this one single girl.

I love you God more than this life has to offer.
Please heed to my cry and make me so proud.
That I follow a God who will never forsake,
Drop his children like an old beat up rake.

So much in this life you have put there for me,
To turn to you and see your blessings.
Tell me she is one of them,
And I know not how I will say it...

But God, here it goes. Even if I never get what I want.
Even though I may scream and shout.
Know that forever and all eternity I will follow your path of righteousness and purity.
That through the calm of the day and dark of the night.
In the rush of the storm and quiet that lies in my sight,
You are the maker of all that I am.
None who I am belongs to me.
I pledge to serve you for every moment you bless me with.
Each breathe and each exhale, never were mine.
Now please Lord take this life, its not mine.
I find it harder everyday that draws to a close,
To not turn to you and say you are Lord.

Untitled.

I should be dreaming about *her* by now.
I should be able to remember my dreams about *her* by now.
I should be getting over *her* by now.
But there is so little in life to hold onto,
Why should I should I let hope of *her* go?

As if the ocean wasn't big enough,
Or the sky too black.
I find myself being enveloped by something that I can not control.
This downrush and upbeat of emotion is nothing new but is always unfamiliar.
Like a cousin you only see once every year.
The riptide is pulling me out into the ocean.
Gravity is letting me float out into the black.
There are simply so many questions.
So many thoughts.
Do I embrace the experience?
Do I fight and give into my instincts?
Who will I become in this new place?
Was I meant to be pulled out?
Was I meant to let go?
How far have I gotten from God to let myself leave the shore/ground?
Is it too late for me to swim/fall back to where I belong?
I know its my fault I am out here in the first place.
But is where she is, where He is at?
Or am I attaching my faith to an object of desire?
Not of lustful desire, but a heart felt yearning.
How young, is too young to love?
But how can I know love?
Those words in Corinthians do not translate into what I am feeling, or the lack thereof.
Why can my tongue not say what my heart is feeling?
Why can my head not know what my heart is aching over?
Why dear God can I not rise above these appendages strapped to my soul?
This flesh pulls me down.
My choices pull me down.
I pull myself down.
I am the soul offender and in this.
It is my fault.
I admit this openly.
That all my shortcomings are mine and mine alone.
I am ready to finally say that it is my heart that is culprit.
That I desired the objection in my life.
I desired the lust... I desired to hurt you...
But know that I speak in the past tense.
That with your strength I may find a new chance to forge my present and my future.
That You God, all things are possible.
Amen.

Fantastic News!

So I finally got around to getting in contact with MTV to suggest my
ideas for "Voice of a Generation" and they kind folks at MTV Thinks
replied in an extremely timely manner. Simply put, they said if I make
a few videos outlining my thoughts and ideas for the project, upload
them and email them the links they will consider promoting the material
through their site and if it works well enough, it may go further from
there.

In slightly less, successful news, TED has yet to
return my email I sent in nearly a week ago. In this state of inaction
I went ahead and called their main offices in NYC. I asked if they
offered any sort of student discount or financial aid support. The lady
was very kind in telling me no and that they did offer financial aid
for experts in specific fields and that they did have the TED Prize
winners. Neither of those really fit my conditions so I said thank you
and went my way.

But then later this evening spoke to a student
from my class who I decided to share my policies as the Junior Class
President with. Her first response was of shock mixed with hesitation.
Then she nearly became furious that I would institute a policy that was
for the most part singly aimed at opening up larger doors for Prom
possibilities. Apparently not every High School girl dreams of being
Prom Queen. So with some extensive explanations and a few thoughtful
considerations I retooled my "Benefits System" to include
extracurricular activities with parents notes and signatures and some
proof of said activity. And then with some more discussion we thought
of some more ways for the school to interest students in their futures
through having an Art Expo day the same day as the Art Fair. Have
artists and creative types from Photography, Film, Paintings, Graphic
Design, Musicians, Orchestras, Television, Fashion, and maybe even
Drafting and Design/Architecture fields come to speak to us briefly
about their lifestyles and careers and then have the rest of the day be
an Expo with the Art Fair open to the students and such. I mean, we
already have a Health Day, which is really for the most part a useless
day with no real purpose although the idea is good, so why not a day to
celebrate the Arts?

One thing is for certain this is going to be a big school year.

Supreme Computer God?!?!

I are teh winra! If any of you can beat my score I would be so impressed. No Google or any other search engine was used for this quiz and now would be a good time for you to bow before me.

<a href="http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_cg.php?im">
<img
src="http://www.nerdtests.com/images/ft/cg.php?val=0848" alt="My
computer geek score is greater than 100% of all people in the world!
How do you compare? Click here to find out!"> </a>

BTW: I did it for teh lulz.

To Be Without Time. A Look Into Existential Theory.

1:39 AM on Saturday the 16th of August 2008 I hit what I call Creative Hour. Essentially, if I deprive myself of an amount of sleep and just let myself simply drift across my thoughts as I do whatever it is I happen to be doing at that moment (tonight I was listening to instrumental/trance music while reading up on tech blogs) I hit this point where if I have a pen and paper and can just start to write and usually can reach a fairly logical conclusion to an internal discussion that is brought out by the pen by the end of my writing. Tonight's entry was fairly... perplexing. I reread it and found a good deal of truth and inspiration in it. Here is what I wrote.

I hit this wall and keep pushing through. Vibrating like the Flash. Making my way pass the impassable structure of a googleplex of atoms in a solid crystalline structure keeping me from what is beyond/within. As my individual atoms awaken to conscientiousness they find faults in the wall and leak through. I being to disappear. I begin to cease. Then, nearly as fast as it began, I cease to begin. In a moment long than an age of man, I scaled the highest peak of human accomplishment, only to find a consuming flame burning eternally bright at the top. This Earth-bound star beacons me forward along a path it has awaited for me to walk since it was, is, and will be. For here there is no time. Only distance. You simply are. The journy is merely a destination awaiting to be reached. As is all in this life, it would seem futile, except for the constant reminder that even in the stillness, we, humanity, individuals, atoms bound by chemical bonds, are always in motion. This is inescapable. And yet completely desirable. To simply be is what we already are. Time has no meaning but to define a moment of who you were, are or will be. But the past Were's are not Are's. As are Are's not Will Be's. And Will Be's are simply To Become's. But "all" are the same. The Are's are made of Were's. Will Be's are hinted at by Are's. And in the scheme of things, we exist. In one form or another. Were's, Are's, or Will Be's. This earth was made for Will Be's, is inhabited by Were's, and is owned by Are's. And when you simply Are, you know who you are. When you Were, you can not Are, and you can never Will Be. But the Will Be's were and are to come and will be Are's when eternity comes.

Abandonment

Strange title for this post. I am abandoning nothing I have not already
said I would leave behind. I never left behind anything that did not
deserve to be in my past except for any real sense of normality, or
perception... If I had to change one thing in my life, it would be
perception. I never every have been adept at this. Journalism. I fail
at this. It is very hard for me to just try to write or type some
emotional characteristic of my day without doing so in conversation. I
rarely talk directly to myself. I just contemplate possibilities. Vague
and more like a day dream than anything else in my existence, such
contemplations fill my day. I do think of the future to much, and the
future becoming present. It just does not fit with a God of a Universe.
God has no need for time. Only we do. It defines how we live our lives.
We never simply are, we are always complicatedly locked in struggles
for change. Evolution. I keep think how completely absurd that title
is...



I am appalled of late at my inability to properly type, speak, form
words, create ideas. Does this mean I am at a crossroads? What do I
sacrifice when I choose one road or another. Or is it more of a
branching tree of choices rather than a road. I do like tree
analogies... They inspire, growth. As corny as that may sound it seems
that organic analogies and references of Jesus' were very successful. I
enjoy them... But I ramble. I feel that perhaps by choosing one path I
am abandoning the other(s)? Perhaps it is not so much I am abandoning,
as I am just drifting away from. Not truly forsaking, just not
choosing. But does that mean I am indecisive? Could a solid yes or no
do better than a cross evaluation from all angles? Where does logic
fail, and quantum physics succeed? Or has logic never truly succeeded?
Perhaps logic was the only thing holding us back in the first place.
Who is to say that our world does have any bounds? Jesus could walk on
water after all, so could Peter, so long as he believed. Maybe the real
question I am asking myself is, do I really believe?

Moon Theif

When the moon rises up,

Getting to light the whole world.

Shining so bright,

As lie we in bed curled.



Does it conscientiously think,

Of light it is stealing,

From sun we can't see,

But nonetheless is still beaming,



Or does it justify its act,

And claim that it just borrowed?

Does the sun hate the moon,

And wish to see it swallowed,



By the darkness that surrounds it,

Consumed by the lack,

Of any sign of good within it,

For it is the deepest black.



Only the stars,

Stand out amongst the sea,

Of evil in a world,

That is a lock without a key.



But the moon is the key,

To seeing the sun,

Even though the night is black,

The moon has already won.



For the moon is like Jesus,

To a world held in darkness.

Without the sun around us,

He is the only single access,



To the God of our universe,

Who is much like the sun,

Shining bright for all to see,

Until day time is all but done.



So if you find yourself in darkness,

Just as the blackest night,

Think of our great Lord Jesus,

And your world will become bright.



-Paul Matula



[Recap: Personifying the moon and sun was only the beginning. I choose
to make the Sun act as God, and the Moon as Jesus. Wondering from an
Earthly perspective if the Sun hates the Moon for reflecting its light.
But just as with God and Jesus, Jesus shows us God and his love on this
Earth. Just as the Moon shows the light of the Sun to the world at
night. So that is my poem to represent the analogy I found between the
Moon and the Sun, and God and Jesus.]

The Roads Edge

Every day we are speeding fast down a winding highway. Dips, dives, turns, and all the while we drive, there is never a guardrail on the edge of the cliff we drive along. Many times we see a little more of the bottom of the cliff and a little less of the road before us. Its a perilous journey. But the road is not where we were meant to reside. It knows not where to lead us. Every turn is judged by our imperfect eyes. The only hope we have is to be put to the wind, and jump. Slam the gas pedal and go over the edge. Take the risk and believe in the impossible. For whenever you lose faith in the unlikely, it becomes impossible. There was once a story that a business man would drive the same route to work everyday, at the same time, in the same car, with the same suit. And everyday he drove the same path, he saw the same boy, on his same bike, with his same backpack, doing something quite impossible. The young boy would ride his bike along the edge of fences on his way to school. Finally one day the man left at a different time to stop the boy to ask him why he did that. The boy said, "I never really thought about it." The man stated he was doing the impossible. The next day, the boy was not on the fences. The business man never saw the boy again. But the point of the story is, when we are told that we are insane, crazy, impossible, or what we do can not be done, it becomes so. Then how do we gain back the bliss of ignorance before our unwanted education? Can we break free of knowledge that the cliff we drive over will lead us to our death, and embrace a new hope that with faith we can do anything and everything.

Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Conditionals Define My Expressions of Love

If I we're a poet these words would melt and boil your very heart.

If I we're a musician I would send songs to ensure you never depart.

If I we're magician a thousand spells of love to you I would impart.

If I we're a painter my love for you would be shown through my art.



But I am none of the above, I am a choice D on a test.

I am just an average ordinary boy trying to do my best.

I love poetry, music, magic tricks, and art,

But to you my dearest passion, are the one I owe my heart.



Though I may not be a poet, I pray these words to guide you.

My words flow into music and every note I swear will be true.

The magic we will share will always seem to be fresh and new.

My dear, God has blessed us, with a passion just for us two.



I still don't know your face, or the sight of your sweet smile.

But with each day closer to you, it will all become worthwhile.

Praying for James.

Fireproofsoul25 (10:06:03 PM): God I lift up James tonight here as we sit around with nothing but our hearts and you

Fireproofsoul25 (10:06:18 PM): I pray you take hold of his heart and remold it

Fireproofsoul25 (10:06:29 PM): give it a shape and strength unknown to this world

Fireproofsoul25 (10:06:44 PM): light it with a burning flame that has only been witnessed by precious few

Fireproofsoul25 (10:06:57 PM): let his own tongue be that of your pen

Fireproofsoul25 (10:07:14 PM): let him speak scripture like the birds sing praise to your kingdom

Fireproofsoul25 (10:07:31 PM): rearmor his soul from temptations and the lies of this world

Fireproofsoul25 (10:07:43 PM): may truth be his belt

Fireproofsoul25 (10:07:48 PM): righteousness his shield

Fireproofsoul25 (10:07:53 PM): faith his shield

Fireproofsoul25 (10:08:01 PM): this is all from my heart

Fireproofsoul25 (10:08:04 PM): to you God

Fireproofsoul25 (10:08:27 PM): that you let James know he is loved by the one whose own heart created the first love

Fireproofsoul25 (10:08:32 PM): who hands shaped out hearts

Fireproofsoul25 (10:08:47 PM): whos eyes saw all we can be and beyond what we can dream to become

Fireproofsoul25 (10:09:06 PM): whose presences brings strength and awe to our very souls and spirits

Fireproofsoul25 (10:09:16 PM): the God of the universe is smiling down on you tonight James

Fireproofsoul25 (10:09:21 PM): and i pray you take heed

Fireproofsoul25 (10:09:23 PM): Amen.

Fireproofsoul25 (10:09:32 PM): alright i feel better

Fireproofsoul25 (10:09:35 PM): who wants pancakes?

Fruits... Where Is Your Grocer.

Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance. Galatians 5:22-23 tells us these are the fruit of the spirit. If these are the fruit then where is the tree, the vine, the bush, the grocer by which I can procure you. Holy Spirit do you hold these for us to happen upon? Or are they made freely available to us everyday? No matter where they may be, fill my arms with one of each. And maybe I will actually learn to live with each as though they were a part of my own countenance.

Another Brother to Confide In: AIM Conversation

Ruben, you have helped me in so many ways. Our conversation tonight really opened my eyes and helped me talk to someone new about the journey I wish to undertake. Thank you brother. May your heart be light with that High of 75. And may God truly show me the path to becoming that man of honor, that true follower of Christ who has the right words to say. Words of scripture.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Return of the Jedi (Well actually just blogging)

While I may be no Luke Skywalker, I do relish the idea of possibly being a Jedi. Whether it is in real life (that would be so cool), or if I am a "Jedi for Jesus". Nerdy I know, but its always appealed to me since I was about 4 years old. A lot lately I have turned straight to my journal for pouring out my heart. I used to go and write in my journal and blog at the same time updating both. But lately the feel of paper and pen just seems a bit more natural as I read the word of God. So in order to try to breathe life back into my road to ultimate geekdom and Internet fame, I will return to the land of all that is keyboard and blogosphere. Expect a lot of updates from my journals from a couple of weeks ago and of course recently.

On to a few side notes to just go over quickly:
-I plan on now using Twitter a lot more in addition to blogging.
-I finally have a cell phone to use to my advantage for IM, texts, RSS feeds, and maybe some more.
-I successfully added iPod linux to my 5.5g iPod video and now have bragging rights to that.
-I blacked out during a 1000 meter race in my last track meet on Sunday January 27th. That would seem to be no big deal, it is track after all, but my body kept running the race. I actually finished in sixth place and received a medal for my placement. I just have no memory of actually running except for extreme pain in my abs as soon as the race started. My doctor says she has never heard of anything like this ever happening and I need tests run at the hospital and neurologist on Feb 13th or 14th so pray for that.
-I have acquired a very disturbing obsession for Miley Cyrus and she seems to be as necessary for my survival as the very air I breathe. Pathetic I know.
-While I have never felt closer to God lately than that moment on a hill in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, my grades are starting to slip drastically. I am somewhat fearful for my academics but I relish the fact that I feel a great passion for the word of God and journaling my prayers lately.

So be prepared for an onslaught of posts and new information on whats happening, because it is coming...

----------------
Now playing: Jeremy Camp - Enough
via FoxyTunes

Honest Resolutions

I can never make any promise to myself that i can keep. I have a really big problem with being real with myself so its hard even just to think about what i would want to change about myself. I do know a few things though because lately I have had some time to think more about them.

1) I realize I have an obsession with Miley Cyrus and it creeps me out and makes me think a little harder at the same time. She is an amazing singer. She doesn't look too bad. (I know there are more beautiful women but she is beautiful in her own right.) She is a born again Christian, which is something I take in high regard. And she seems fairly down to earth, you know for a teenage pop star with her popularity.

2) VIDEO GAMES AND LORD OF THE RINGS ARE NOT REAL. Sorry Paul but you will probably never get the chance to fight Orcs, the Covenant, splicers, or capture genetic memories from hundreds of years ago. While the morals and stories are good in themselves, you need to find the balance between reality and fiction and learn how to translate those lessons in the video games into a formula you can use everyday.

3) Speaking of formulas, start working at your academics. You excelled in your youth due to talent and never had to work hard. Now the 2 tons of bricks have fallen on you and you don't know how to deal with the work load and the stress. Pure genius can get you far but a lot of the time hard work gets you farther.

4) You know that book you have always wanted write. Yeah all 15 of 'em. At least start them. Write at least 5 pages of each or summarize what you want them to be. That book of poetry. That book of adventure. Especially that book about your eventful rise to social geekdom via Youtube, lifecasting, Digg, and possibly side hacks on your iPod along with the whole bit-torrent scene.

5) Get over the fact that you have never had a girlfriend and just tell them you love em. Not right away but actually make an effort not to let opportunities for dreams to come true slip through your fingers. You cheap, lazy bastard you. You always have a tendency to hold it in until it breaks down into something that makes you sick or comes out while you are busy being sick. (Think about that one. There is a good riddle with there.)

6) Talk to God a bit more. You take your relationship with God for granted just like your gift of academics and now you are losing both. START WORKING FOR SOMETHING REAL.

7) No matter how much you think that getting into a fight will solve your problems, you need to find a better way to work them out. Albeit these fights have not yet happened but planning how you will successfully remove one's head from their body is not exactly productive.

8) Chivalry is not dead but hell it is dying like Caesar after a betrayal from Brutus. Painful and very bitter. And the worst part is, you're are the dying tissue. The wound in chivalry's metaphorical side. So patch up and get to it. You're not done being a gentlemen yet so act like the man you still are.

9) Stop ranting like this. You sound like a douche no matter how many times people say your advice helps. Learn to listen not to advise.

10) Actually I think the first 9 covered it. This year you actually set some goals. Real goals. Not try to lose weight goals or be a better person. But goals and the start of plans. Well done.