Untitled.

I should be dreaming about *her* by now.
I should be able to remember my dreams about *her* by now.
I should be getting over *her* by now.
But there is so little in life to hold onto,
Why should I should I let hope of *her* go?

As if the ocean wasn't big enough,
Or the sky too black.
I find myself being enveloped by something that I can not control.
This downrush and upbeat of emotion is nothing new but is always unfamiliar.
Like a cousin you only see once every year.
The riptide is pulling me out into the ocean.
Gravity is letting me float out into the black.
There are simply so many questions.
So many thoughts.
Do I embrace the experience?
Do I fight and give into my instincts?
Who will I become in this new place?
Was I meant to be pulled out?
Was I meant to let go?
How far have I gotten from God to let myself leave the shore/ground?
Is it too late for me to swim/fall back to where I belong?
I know its my fault I am out here in the first place.
But is where she is, where He is at?
Or am I attaching my faith to an object of desire?
Not of lustful desire, but a heart felt yearning.
How young, is too young to love?
But how can I know love?
Those words in Corinthians do not translate into what I am feeling, or the lack thereof.
Why can my tongue not say what my heart is feeling?
Why can my head not know what my heart is aching over?
Why dear God can I not rise above these appendages strapped to my soul?
This flesh pulls me down.
My choices pull me down.
I pull myself down.
I am the soul offender and in this.
It is my fault.
I admit this openly.
That all my shortcomings are mine and mine alone.
I am ready to finally say that it is my heart that is culprit.
That I desired the objection in my life.
I desired the lust... I desired to hurt you...
But know that I speak in the past tense.
That with your strength I may find a new chance to forge my present and my future.
That You God, all things are possible.
Amen.